There was one point in my life that both my mother and my father were incarcerated. My mother was in the state penitentiary in memphis and to my discovery my father was in Whiteville Correctional Facility in Whiteville, TN about 70 miles away. I learned this when I was a freshmen in college.
She was there because she was convicted of vehicular manslaughter, Driving Under the Influence, Leaving the Scene of the Accident, and a few more charges. After drinking and driving and killing a pedestrian she was sure to spend her life in prison....
He was there, to my understanding for distributing illegal drugs, domestics violence, and many other things. Can you believe, he has been arrested over 75 times in his life?
I was only 16 years old. My mother lost custody of each of my siblings as we all had different fathers. My younger brother left to be with his father in Anaheim, California while my younger sister departed to live with her father in another part of memphis. My older sister had just become "legal" and was on her own trying to survive for her three children. So, I was left alone. Sort of forgotten....but maybe that was a good thing. Think about it; had they not forgotten about me, I would have ended up in the custody of the state. I really don't think I would have made it out alive.
I was alone.
I had to survive by myself.
It was eat or be eaten.
So, I apologize for my strong personality. I apologize that many cannot figure me out. I mean no harm but I have layers to me. It makes me beautiful not different. I'm not a science project. I'm not deficient. I'm my own man. I am M.E. I'm a work in progress. But I am what God is molding me to become. I'm a wretched undone. I'm not perfect.
Don't judge me because I'm not who you want me to be. I'm black. I'm not as tall as you think I should be? That's cool. I like my balance. My shoulders are broad because I've carried the weight of my family my entire life. It was my inheritance, not a burden. I am who I am. Destined to be a strong, courageous father and husband and leader of my very own fold. I've slipped. I've bruised. I've beaten. But I'm still becoming. It's taken me a little time to learn how to release this weight off my shoulders. I never meant any harm, transference is a b----. I'm becoming better. I can't carry the weight of my past.
You may not like me. Get in line. You may adore me. Much oblige.
Regrets? Absolutely. I have them. I cannot wallow there though. Will she ever return, I don't know. I hope so but I doubt it. Should I go after her? I don't know. Should I allow her healing? I think.
Where is him? Him? Yes, him. This is my corpus, I write as I desire. The God in me won't allow me to quit. I surrender my will so that He can continue to lead me.
Most people don't know my story. Most people don't even care to find out. It's okay, I've learned not to take offense to your ignorance. It's bliss, right?
My point is, I make mistakes. We all do. But try not to judge me. I've come a very long way. I have long to go. God has blessed me in a way I cannot describe and you should want to be around to see what He's going to do next.......
My thought catalogue....21
July 28, 2014